Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

Me [double-clicking a word to select it]

Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?

Me: no, just the one word

Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?

Me: no, just that word…

Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.