My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

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“where did all ur money go?”

I’m either wearing it or i ate it


Inspired by Baby Jesus, I’m hoping to get nailed this weekend.


What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]


It’s OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I’m a sex attic too.


*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.

Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.


The Mens Rights subreddit did a poll to show how diverses their users are. They are 80% Single, white, 18-24, american males. HAHAHAHAHAHA


*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish


My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.


[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years