My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
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I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here