@KimMonte10

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

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@Daveastated

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

@ceejoyner

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

@VerifiedDrunk

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

@mikeleffingwell

It’s weird how after they couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King’s men were like “Let’s give the horses a shot at it”

@squirrel74wkgn

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

@haley_copeland

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

@Brianhopecomedy

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

@MarfSalvador

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

@ShesAllNat

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

@teddywah

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.