“where did all ur money go?”
I’m either wearing it or i ate it
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
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There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Inspired by Baby Jesus, I’m hoping to get nailed this weekend.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
It’s OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I’m a sex attic too.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
The Mens Rights subreddit did a poll to show how diverses their users are. They are 80% Single, white, 18-24, american males. HAHAHAHAHAHA
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years