My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

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Nurse: Your name, please?
Me: Dr. Feelgood.
Nurse: …
Me: …
Nurse: You’re not a Dr. are you?
Me: No, I won’t make you feel good, either.


I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.


Me: I wish Jim was alive. He was my best friend
Priest: Jim is alive. I saw him yesterday
Me: Yeah I was getting to that part


My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.


Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo


Bring them an olive branch to show you can forgive but then beat them with it so they know you won’t tolerate their brand of bullshit.


I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.


“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.


Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.


A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”