Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

🤭😂

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.