My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
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Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Vodka burrito was a success
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
lmao😭🤣
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok