Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

Awwwww shit.

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

From Facebook just now…

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

Holy crap this is wonderful

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that: