My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
You Might Also Like
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
My time has come.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut