Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

respect

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

i meant to share this earlier

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*

Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.

Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.

Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.

Me: Leave the military out of this.

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”