Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”

They haven’t.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?