[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
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when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
No chill.
Please vote for people who are attractive
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Steam Forums
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.