[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
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Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
How all things should be taught/explained.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be