my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
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me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Employees must applaud the planets.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Oh we’ve met.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up