my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
You Might Also Like
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Spring of Deception
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden