my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
😅🤣😂
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?