Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside

[Chopped episode]

“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”

Me *opening Oreos*

“Clock hasn’t started.”

Me: There’s cookies.

“Those are for your dish.”

Me *munching*
There’s cookies.

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday