Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.

Me: Did you check the hamper?

11: Why would it be there?

Why indeed.

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

A fella staggers exhausted into his house.

“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.

“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.

“You idiot” says his wife.

“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”

Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.