MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
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Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil