Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

This dude got his own movie?

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert