My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
You Might Also Like
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
wait a minute….
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
weaknesses
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”