My last name is Zilla.
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I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.