My last name is Zilla.
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I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Meanwhile in Canada…
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about