My last name is Zilla.
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My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
can’t bark with your mouth full
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!