My last name is Zilla.
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*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
that lip filler tho
u guys got any snacks onboard here
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.