Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*