Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

the saddest jazz hands ever

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS