Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

My first child will be named New Folder.

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

Jesus Christ lmao

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.