Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

babe wake up, it’s stupid outside

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

Stop correcting my vodkabulary

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

just leave it at the foot of the bed

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

[During sex]

*Knock on the door*

Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend

Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?

Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!

Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…

Woman: What?

Man: Karen, I’m your husband!

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.