Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

I’m about to risk it all

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”