My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
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Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
A comic by Dan Piraro
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan