My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
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one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Hotels are back
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.