My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
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I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
And then there were 4
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I think the cat got the dog high.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.