My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
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Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Lmbo
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now