My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
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I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
my one true gender
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.