My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
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Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
#MeanwhileinCanada
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
just make the entire table out of coaster
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
But I really needed water water water
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue