My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
You Might Also Like
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me