My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
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The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
*pronounces patio like ratio
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge