Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

For anyone who needs this today

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

My age is news to me every single time I remember

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?