Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

Me: is there anything on my face

Him: no you’re good

[15 minutes later]

Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair

Him: you didn’t ask about your hair

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”

Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.