My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
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Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
This meal prepping shit is easy
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.