My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
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The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
#Caturday
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?