My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
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Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!