my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
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[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.