my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
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Nice try Hitler
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”