my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
You Might Also Like
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.