Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…

it’s a running joke…

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants

ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.