My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
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There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I put the hot in psychotic.