My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
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Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)