Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Better luck next time champ

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

Eve: I’m hungry

Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe

Eve: not this again

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

🤣🤣🤣

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.