my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
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I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Windows
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”