Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

mandolin: finally a violin for men

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself