My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
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HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Born to be mild.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Windows
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.