my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
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My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No