Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

Pikachu found the lost joint

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense