You give great word of mouth
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
You Might Also Like
Well played Pepsi.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
“Forget our mess. I’ll go into the beauty of the natural world.”
*Planet Earth 2. 100 snakes swarm iguana baby*
“I’ll go back to the news.”
People keep escaping from maximum security jails and I can’t even manage to leave 5 minutes early from work.