@MrMichaelRose

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

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@robdelaney

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

@LackOfShame

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

@TwinSurvivalist

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

@FeelingEuphoric

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

@ThePocketJustin

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

@divamonroe2uhoe

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

@kumailn

“Forget our mess. I’ll go into the beauty of the natural world.”
*Planet Earth 2. 100 snakes swarm iguana baby*
“I’ll go back to the news.”

@StormErika

People keep escaping from maximum security jails and I can’t even manage to leave 5 minutes early from work.