“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
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Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”