Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

Introducing new iPhone 5 features:

– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.

another case of gang violins

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down