“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
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Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.