My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
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I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
the #horror is real!
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?