My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
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My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Windows
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
🤣✨#caturday
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
For the baby who has everything
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.