Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton

baa baa black sheep: uhhh

dealer: *narrows eyes*

farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday