My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
