My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
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We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry