Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🙂🐾

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills