My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
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8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm