Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted