My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
You Might Also Like
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
*Discussing the school nativity play*
Me: Who’s Mary?
7: She’s Jesus’s mum.
Me: Yes, who’s playing her.
7: Dunno.
Me: Who’s Joseph?
7: He’s Mary’s husband.
Me:
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
WHO DID THIS?
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.