Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.