My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
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Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Yup!
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
😭😭
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
I put the p in pants.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.