> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
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My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19