My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
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Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good