Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

Y’all know who you are.

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics

Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭