My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
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no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
me to God
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.