My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
You Might Also Like
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…