My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
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I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
😂 amazing answer
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Morning my dudes.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Bringing home a sharpie
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
#CoronaOutbreak
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock