My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
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Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was